Before the Rainbow

I sat there, nervous and excited at the same time. I get to see a glimpse of you rolling happily inside me for the first time. The cold gel touched my skin and an image lit the screen. From the corner of my eye I see you, fully visible, my little peanut not yet form but oh-so-mine. The rush to name you came over me… what will you be? A boy? A girl? Oh! This is so sweet. The nurse looked somber as she surveyed the screen, she was quiet and consumed by it. Her eyes watered, as she wiped the gel off my belly. She called in the doctor who tried to tell me this was something more common than I knew. For me it was too fast, too soon, I wanted to know you! Hold you tight and never let you go. Now, I will never find out what you could have been. The empty feeling doesn’t leave me. The shame, the guilt of not being able to protect you is too great. At eight weeks, I was ready to love you all my life and now I had two days to say goodbye. I went home heartbroken, knowing that I had to go back to let you go forever. I sat in the bathtub and let the water wash away the dried tears. The hospital sheets touched my skin like icicles, was it cold or was it just me? The paperwork to let them take you was almost done, one more signature and you were going to be a memory of an angel that I never met. I cried hysterically at the thought of losing you forever, as the doctor tried, with a calm voice, reassure me with statistics. The painful sting of the anesthesia on my hand was enough to subdue the crying and focus on a different pain. The process was quick and relatively painless but after the earthquakes of thoughts and storms of tears shook my being. I left that room bare, without you, feeling insufficient to form a life inside me. Inadequate to do my job as mother to keep you safe. I thank God and my doctor who did not make me go thru the traumatic experience of a visible miscarriage. The heart-wrenching scene of seeing you go would have been excruciating. Now, you come to me as a brief painful memory, the loss of a child that I never met but loved with all my heart.