Broken

I broke down today. I walked out of my house to breath, 10 minutes away from it all to feel better, but it wasn’t enough. All the weight of the garbage from everyone else piled up on me and I was out running off of air. I broke down and cried, and I still feel the heavy weight on my chest. My 3 year old was asking: “what’s wrong? You crying”and all I could let out was a please give me five minutes. Me telling my 3 year old to give me five minutes as if he understands the meaning of time or space, or that mommy needs time off the chaos that’s her life. I just wanted time off of everything after a rough day of working from home, preparing a house to be sold and taking care of two kids at the same time. Twenty minutes before, my husband had a fit about the living room being a mess and me not teaching the kids to clean up; a room that I had completely cleaned this morning and was good till about 4:00 pm, was completely trashed with kid toys, cookies and cheese (yes, cheese) everywhere. My 3 year old was asking for cereal and I had just put my husbands dinner plate on the table; at the same time I was tying to get my nine year old son’s phone to work. My husband proceeded to tell me that I don’t feed my child and I should feed him since his asking for food. I told him the he has been eating all day and I had been cleaning up after him all day too (hence the mess of cookies and cheese because I got busy and couldn’t clean it up right away) that he could wait 5 minutes. He got up, very upset and got the cereal for our son, but not like someone that wants to help because they see you busy but someone that thinks you do absolutely nothing all day and that you are lazy. This is not the first time, because I believe that he thinks that since I work from home I don’t do anything. I honestly do believe it, the money coming into our checking account from my job, that is paying our bills, is coming out of me staying home and doing absolutely nothing all day like he see it. But let’s not go there, this is a different issues. Honestly I don’t even know what the kids did to upset him because after starting his dinner he stopped and went upstairs by himself ( by this time my youngest had been up since 7:30 am this morning and I start work at 8 am where I have to call people and talk to them, and was on his 5000 mommy of the day. ) I asked both of my kids to go upstairs to only find out the their father was sleeping in their room because his dog had peed on our bed. The most upsetting of it all is that it has happened at least 3 times before and I have to clean up the mess. MY HUSBANDS DOG and I’m the one that has to clean up after it because he doesn’t have to worry about where to go to sleep he went in the kids room and left the mess in the other room. I just wanted to scream, so I walked out. I went for a walk but it didn’t help. When I got back I couldn’t stop crying, and instead of my husband asking if I was ok he said it’s because I couldn’t handle my kids! THAT ASSHOLE dared to say I couldn’t handle my kids! I take care of my kids 24/7! No breaks unless I’m sleeping or my mom takes them for a day! No other time off for me because my husband has never been capable of understanding that I need time off too- he goes fishing, he goes to work, he comes home and he gets to relax. I DON’T I work from home, I’m babysitter, I’m the slave of the house. I get no time off. I couldn’t keep it in anymore, for him to tell ME that I couldn’t handle my kids when he can get even handle our 3 year old calling him daddy more than 3 time in a row?! Or when he hides when the kids get annoying, would you call that handling it?! No! I lost it! I was so angry! I was angry at him! At myself for filling everyone’s needs in hope that my needs will be taken into account, but they never are! I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling, holding in the sobs that I never let go because of fear of looking weak or crazy. I’m tired of being the dumping place of everyone’s bad days, the place where everyone comes when they need something, I’m tired of no being appreciated and I’m tired of feeling lonely in my own home, I’m tired of being treated like I’m lazy and like someone that doesn’t do anything or someone that can’t handle her kids! I just so tired, I’m broken.